Rainy Day...

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of the rain. I love the smell, the sound and the way it makes you feel all cozy inside. Rainy days to me are all about pj's, movies and hot tea. In the past, they were also about snuggles and love making.

These days, the latter has been replaced with tv series on Netflix and something a little stronger. Coffee!

 I rarely talk about that side of things. A very few close friends know of the sadness I feel for the loss of feeling in that region. I have a hubs who is supportive and reassures me, but in truth, I feel less than. Most days I feel like a burden instead of a partner. Whether it's financially, physically or emotionally, I am the burden.  

6 years can equal a multitude of lazy rainy days in bed with the one you love. I often think of them, as if I am reading a long lost kind of love romance novel. The intertwining of hearts and souls. The newness and exhaustion. The fondness of one another's touch. And oh the joy of feeding one another berries in the spring. Those perfect berries that just mark the moment. The memory.

Grieving is the part of the process anytime you lose something. For the past  8 months, I feel I have grieved more than I have smiled. My heart has broke more times than I can count because of this broken body of mine. It's a true sadness when you, like all humans, need human contact and it can not be found because you are locked away. Trapped. Don't get me wrong, hubs holds me and hugs me and kisses me. But like all humans, I want more. I want the rainy days I use to have. We use to have. I use to give to us. I miss being spontaneous and joyful. I miss being happy. I miss me.

Rainy days are a mark of rebirth and newness. So I guess looking back, rereading this post, I am in the middle of my rebirth. I am in the thunderstorm of finding my newness. I'm learning how to walk and talk and just live. So perhaps this year is my very own rainy day... Just a thought..

-House Shoe Fashioniata